4 Long Gone Babe

“Long gone, Babe. A whole other reality away.” He smirked. “No idea what happened to make an alternate dimension flimsy, but it works for me.”

“It doesn’t work for me, and don’t call me Babe!” She yelled back. “That’s for Beetlejuice to call me, my Beetlejuice, not you!”

“Oh, a little late to be playing favorite versions of the same guy,” he said to her. “You’re married to me now. You don’t leave until I leave, so you’re going to have to show me this thing I never show others. Respect.”

She tried to get away, but he froze her in place.

“No, no, no. I don’t need the new Mrs. getting ideas.” He unfroze her and he picked her up as she started to kick at him. “The power was already dying out when I came to visit you, it doesn’t do you any good now. That life’s over, finitto, gone.”

“I don’t believe you!”

“Well, we’ll visit soon so you can see. First, I need to make a call to somebody. Whoah, hang on, watch the feet,” he said as he was getting the front door. “Will you calm down two seconds?”

Lydia looked around. There were beetles in a couple of spots. The place was an absolute pigsty. His curtain and bed choices were the same. “It looks like the Roadhouse.”

“Eh, it’s a temporary shack,” he said as he closed the door behind him. He sat her down on his bed. “I’ve never met someone as comfortable in filth as much as you.”

“I’m not comfortable.” She was lying, she was absolutely at home in it. “I want to get over to the other side. There must be a weak spot in the Neitherworld somewhere.”

There wasn’t. “Look, time mishaps are what create small disturbances. It takes a lot, and they don’t last long. Accept the facts, Lydia. This is home. We are married. I have to make a call. Help yourself to anything around here to eat.”

“I accept Beetlejuice for who he is, but I don’t eat like him.” She was going to get sassy.

“Fine, fine, I’ll bring you food from your world in just a minute, but I gotta make a call already.” Geez, was it just a trait for women to become annoying once you married them? He went into his bedroom and headed straight for the phone.

—————————————

What do I do? Lydia looked around the place. It all felt like Beetlejuice’s stuff, except when she saw his mail lying around. It said Betelgeuse instead. How do I get back to my world? My real world with my real Beetlejuice?

She looked around the room, looking for anything she could find that . . . odd. “That’s odd.” Beetlejuice never had pictures of any of his family lying around. This one had a picture of them all on one nightstand. Donny. Bea. Nat. He wasn’t nice, so why did he have them all on display?

She picked up a book she saw next to them. It was doubtful he would keep a diary. She browsed through it. There were names and addresses and even telephone numbers, but none of them were Neitherworld addresses. Real world addresses.

“I know I said eat what you want, but I didn’t invite you to check the whole house out yet,” he said as he came out of his bedroom.

Hmph. She glared over at him and kept browsing. “You married me knowing that I didn’t belong here. I’m not showing you lots of courteousy right now.” She closed the book and pointed at him. “Why do you have loads of addresses of people in the living world? And why is your name spelled B-E-T-E-L-G-E-U-S-E?”

“Work,” he answered as he grabbed the book from her hands. “Connections to haunted houses, it’s how I do business. That’s how I found you. Well, the other you,” he said. “As for the name? No fucking clue what you are talking about.”

“My Beetlejuice, spelled it B-E-E-T-L-E-J-U-I-C-E.” She looked toward his families pictures. “He never kept out pictures of his family though.” She jumped slightly as he took the picture and placed it down. He’s touchy about his family? “Did this version of your mom make you take too many baths?” He didn’t like that at all? “What’s wrong?”

He just shook his head oddly. “Who cares how much she made me take a bath? Huh? She’s gone. Their gone. They are gone!”

Gone? She looked back at the picture. “They’re all dead. Where could they go?”

“Death beyond death,” he uttered. “Exorcised.”

Exorcised? Death beyond death? Lydia didn’t know exactly what that meant, but whatever it had been? It meant he didn’t have his family anymore. And, considering what he was doing now. That’s why he’s so different. He never had a ton of friends, but at least he always had his family before her. The ones he might be able to call friends, were at the Roadhouse.

He didn’t live at the Roadhouse. He took different directions in life. Maybe even his name? Maybe Nat and Bea and Donny adapted to the name Juice? Maybe it was their real last name and he just distanced himself from it. “I’m sorry.” She stroked the back of the frame that he turned over that had them in it. “This changed so much.”

“Ah, food! I’ll go get some food,” he insisted, clearly changing the subject. “Anything in particular or just grab a fridge?”

Yeah, he was him, through and through. There was always a way to get through things in the Neitherworld. This hill of being in a different dimension was a big one, but she’d still find a way out.

While she was doing that though? Other reality or not. Tricked into marriage or not. “You’re still my friend.”

“Sure, yeah,” he answered quickly. “What do you want?”

“To make sure you’re okay too,” she answered with a smile.

“Great. Terrific,” he squeaked, getting impatient. “What do you want? A sandwich? Soup? A can of beans? What?”

“Just get a sandwich. Don’t hurt my family or anyone in that house though.”

“Fine, fine,” he agreed before he disappeared.

———————————

Okay. So, he promised not to hurt anyone. He could do that, and still tease those two new ghosts that screwed him over! “Hey.” He just popped up behind Barbara. “Where’s the fridge?”

“What?” Barbara gasped.

“Fridge. New wife, she wants a little bite to eat,” he teased.

“New wife?”

“Yeah, seems Lydia changed her mind and called out for me. Guess not liking the marriage was just nerves, new bride and all,” he chuckled as he waved his hand back and forth. “So? You and your husband can just fuck off now. Thanks. Where’s your fridge?”

“L-Lydia would never-!”

“Well, to be fair, she is an alternate Lydia,” he said. “From an alternative universe. Yeah, haven’t been dead enough to know that one yet, didja?” He snorted. “Slipped on through a time where me and her were, get this? Best fucking friends. Isn’t that great? For me?”

“You. You!” She pointed at him. “You better not hurt anyone alive around here!”

“My new Mrs. already said that. It’s my family now, so, not buggin’ anyone here. Just, you. You’re, dead,” he cackled. “Loopholes. Know I love them.”

She backed away at his words and went to go wake her husband up. Still too new. It’s not like he could even do anything to them if he wanted to. He might be able to, what, kill them again? It was annoying to go through the line, but that was it. Hell, they would probably be going through the lines again anyhow.

He could prank them and scare them. He did like doing that, and they did deserve it for the sandworm.

“You leave Lydia alone!” Sleeping Beauty Adam had awoken. “This universe’s and the other one.”

“It’s not universe, it’s an alternate dimension,” Betelgeuse showed him up. “She’s stuck, can’t do anything about that. She is Lydia now, deal with it.”

“She is not staying Mrs. Betelgeuse!” Barbara yelled toward him. “We are going to see Juno and get her back.”

Heh. Yeah, they were fun. “By all means, draw yourself a door.” He chuckled. They didn’t know any other way but that yet. “You’ll only have one left if you bug her now.”

“It’s worth it for Lydia,” Barbara said as Adam knocked on the freshly drawn door.

Not really and he knew it, which made it sweeter. They were just going to spend months in a dumb line and use their second voucher for Juno to go ‘I can’t do anything’. Ha!

Once the door was closed again, he headed for the kitchen where the fridge would be at. Her mom was in there, chopping vegetables. “Hey, Mom, I don’t know what kind of sandwiches my wife wants. Do you know her preference?” He opened the fridge. “I see some turkey. Some ham. Maybe tuna would work?”

Oh yeah, she was starting to scream. “You are back?!”

“Yeah.” He showed off his ring. “Calm down, Ma, I’m not going to hurt you. I need to make a sandwich.”

She picked up her vegetable knife and pointed it at him. “Where’s Lydia?”

“Our home,” he answered. “Just married. Honeymoon. You and dad can visit whenever you want, after the honeymoon. So, turkey probably good?” She screamed for Charles. “Yeah, we’ll go with turkey.”

He zapped the turkey, mayonnaise and the bread over to the table. “Dum de dum, de dum dum dum . . .” He got a bread knife and smeared the mayonnaise on it and then put on some turkey. Then he took the other slice and put it on as his new father-in-law came out. “Hey. How’s it going?”

“Where’s Lydia?” Idiot had a gun.

“At home. You can come for a visit later. Oh? Uh, Barbara and Adam kind of left for official business. You know, trying to terminate the marriage and whatnot. Probably be back in a couple of months.” He just grinned at him. “Probably be unsuccessful, Dad. See ya later.”

————————————

“Sandwich.” He presented it to Lydia. She was busy shaking the curtains. “What’re you doing?”

“These curtains are really ancient,” she said. “If I’m going to be stuck here, we need to upgrade some of this stuff.”

Ancient? “Whoah. You aren’t going to make this place girly or anything.”

“No. I don’t do ‘girly’. You can get the same kind of curtains, but they shouldn’t have lots of holes in them. Knowing the other you, I would say getting some live patterns of other insects would be a good idea.”

“Yes, that’s a brilliant idea!” Really good for a human. “I could do the same for the floor. I gotta make money for both of them though.”

“Can’t you just scare the humans away, instead of killing?” she asked nicely. “If they run away, you make the same.”

Eh. “The goal is to scare them, but I don’t limit myself on what I do to scare them. Sometimes their stupidity or age kills them.”

“I knew it!” She smiled. “I bet you don’t kill that many. I can tell, that you aren’t happy with the living, but killing isn’t what you strive for.”

“Yeah, whatever.” She just continued on looking happy. Good. “Maybe I can swing some curtains, if my Mrs. makes this a nice honeymoon.”

“That is . . . really weird,” she said. “I still can’t get over this . . . perverted side of you. I mean, I’ve seen it, but not toward me. It’s always to pretty Neitherworld women.”

“Yeah, no way I’m sweet,” he said as he lit a cigarette. “But, I’m limited to you now.” He held his finger up. “I promised if I was gonna do it, I was only gonna do it once.”

“Marriage?”

“Yep. Not gonna screw it up,” he said. “You have any idea how hard divorce is? Not hard, so if I screw up, I lose everything I just gained.”

“ . . . that’s . . . something,” she uttered.

“Ah, but here I’m talking business on our honeymoon. There’s a lot better things to-”

“No way, don’t even say the word,” she warned him.

“Heh.” He took another puff.

“You really shouldn’t do that,” Lydia said.

“What’s it gonna do? Kill me? Ha!” He gave a hearty laugh.

“It’s bad for the living, and I’m living,” she said. “I don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve been in the living world, but secondhand is pretty dangerous. Cigarettes killed a lot of people that didn’t have to die.”

“Secondhand. Pbft.” Still, he put it out on the wall. “Now-”

“I’ll need a place to sleep, and don’t think it’s with you.”

“But, it’s our-”

“No,” she said again. “Don’t push. We can do something fun, but not that.”

“A little overconfident, aren’t you?” he said as he walked toward her. “You don’t have an ounce of magic, you’re a living person.”

She just sighed. “I don’t belong here. I can feel it. Please don’t make things worse than this?”

Ugh! It was harder to get her to go along with things than it had been before he spilled the secret. She annoyingly seemed to believe that he wouldn’t push her far in the other direction. He already stole a kiss from her, but she still seemed convinced he wouldn’t bother for anything else.

Which. Sucked. Because. She was right, but he would sure as hell steal a kiss again, and he wasn’t going to admit she was right. “Don’t make things worse than they are by judging me by your friend’s standards either. As for bed, you can either sleep on the floor, or sleep in bed with me.”

“Then, I need an extra pillow and blanket.” She started to look around the closet and found some. “These will do.”

Ugh. “Honeymoon. We gotta at least sleep in the same bed. It’s our marital bed.”

“You gave me the option,” she reminded him.

“Yeesh, your smarter than half the women I date. Dated. Past tense,” he said quickly. “That bugs me.” She had the nerve to giggle at that.

“Well, I don’t think I was ever really your type.”

“Oh, you are dead wrong about that.” Her smell. Her clothes. That attitude. The strangeness, the craziness of a living being that felt so different than all the other meatbags walking around out there.

“Sure,” she said in a disbelieving manner. “Your type was anyone living to let you go to the living world. Which, was really ridiculous,” she admitted. “My Beej was almost always around me. He even infiltrated my school and saw me at lunch time as Betty Juice. He came to outings with my friends as her too. We even went camping in the Neitherworld. He pretended to be a relative of mine. He pretended to be Mister Beetleman, a handiman that always there for anything my parents needed at the time.” She was smiling away, just thinking about his other self. “He even went on the family summer vacation by helping me trick my parents into believing the Neitherworld was the family trip. He was out in the light of day on my side, just as much as I was over here.”

“Probably not good to reminisce,” Betelgeuse reminded her. “I’m your husband now, not the other guy. He’s long gone and you are here to stay.”

“I still don’t know how I got here, so I have as much of a chance at leaving as I do as staying to me,” she said back to him. “And I would never think of Beej’ as my husband. He was my friend. My best friend.”

Friend nothing, if he was just like him, he was wanting her too. Why didn’t the other him just fucking steal her and marry her? It solved the problem, and she made it so easy. “Sure.” He said it in the same disbelieving manner Lydia had said it before. Did all that extra ‘allowed’ time on the surface being free really make him hold on as ‘friend’?

Well, it was stupid, and he wasn’t playing it the same way.